How I gave my dog Fleas.

As it happens, we're coming into summer right now. My dog is fairly indoorsy, like, if its raining she just looks out her dog door with the expression "uuuuum...it's raining, so i'm going to stay inside and stay unwet, but you go ahead, i'll watch you from the window and make sure you're ok. But if you get into trouble, you're on your own because it's raining"

Same applies with wind and excessive heat. Cold isn't a factor because she has a jacket which I think she quite enjoys wearing. It's pink.

Anyway, my point is that she's not the run around in the dirt a lot kind of dog thus minimising her flea contact. She has other dog friends who I'm sure have fleas too, but they're equally as lame and mainly just hang around their humans begging for food and attempting to engage actual conversation instead of doing  dog things like running and digging. (I'm convinced one of her dog friends was a princess dictator in her past life but that's a whole other story.)

Now, it's not uncommon for my dog to get a few fleas, and in the disgusting heat of summer, a few more fleas, But they're always manageable. Though for the last few weeks I've noticed an unusual amount rummaging through her fur, so every night I have been combing through, picking them out one by fucking one, and drowning them while feeling a little like I could only imagine God would feel during natural disasters. All powerful with the ability to save lives if I so chose. I didn't. (On a side note, fleas do not drown. You may THINK they drown, but this is a lie. It's like in the TV show "The Event" where all the passengers on the plane which crashed survive and are walking around all fine, then they fall to the ground dead,  then when they are lying in their makeshift morgue/airplane hanger completely dead, they come to life again like they were never dead in the first place. Its exactly the same as that, but with fleas, and this can happen an unnatural amount of times, more than 6 before I poured them down the drain and pushed in the plug. And it's freaky because one minute they're all dead and unmoving then at exactly the same time they all start kicking and flailing at the bottom of their chinese food container water grave.  It makes my skin crawl but whatever.)

So the dog has been getting more and more fleas, and I haven't been able to work out why, I've put Advantage on her, combing her, grooming her like a silverback gorilla would it's offspring and sprayed all bedding with Mortien, I even surface sprayed my skin, but still MORE FUCKING FLEAS. Not only are they attacking my dog, they are now attacking me, I have an un-countable number of itching red spots on my body. Sure, that could also be from surface spraying my skin with a poison, but I find that to be highly unlikely. So in a fit of frustration, rage and higher intelligence, I stripped my bed sheets and to my disgust found millions of tiny black flea eggs covering my mattress protector. Previously I have questioned the need for a mattress protector, I mean, what are they under attack from? Fleas. The answer is fleas.

While almost vomiting out of sheer disgust and feeling like I have a million tiny bugs (fleas?) crawling underneath my skin, I stripped those nasty sheets and chucked them in the wash on boiling with extra extra soap. Twice, all while questioning my hygiene standards. That is certainly the last time I leave my sheets on an extra week due to rain. I don't care if I get in trouble for using the drier. I gave my dog fleas and that, under no circumstances, is at all good.  Now I have to explain to my dog why she's all itchy and miserable, "I'm sorry Madison, Mummy's laziness and complete disregard for personal hygiene has caused you to be infested with tiny, blood sucking insects. My bad. Here, let me shove this butter coated tablet down your throat. Thanks"